Goodbye Blog

Well---life is proceeding as it should: busy & fun, frustrating sometimes, but mostly rich. I plan to continue focusing on writing and research, and will say goodbye to this blog.

Tenure

I have not posted in a while. Since my last post, my anxiety about tenure had been waning. I have been trying to cut my internet usage after I realized how much of my time it was sucking. The research in my lab has been interesting, and I have been working on writing papers. I attended a conference in my subfield, and discussed science and other interesting things with many colleagues. A certain colleague and I room together each year at this conference, and I have taken to calling it a “slumber party”. Several (opposite-gender) colleagues expressed regrets that they were not invited. Generally I have been enjoying the view from the ridge.

I arrived at my office on July 1st and received official news of my promotion to tenure. The last few days have consisted of a flurry of congratulations and increased somnolence. It seems the pre-tenure process is what has been keeping me awake these years.

My work/life to-do list is identical to what it was in the weeks pre-tenure. This year my goal is to enjoy the lab, continue our projects, spend time thinking about which ways to develop and deepen my research program, and write, write, write. And sleep.

Timescales of progress

Cleaning out some of the detritus in the lab, I came across large sheet of paper with the following written across the top:

EarlyToBed Lab Mid-Range/Long-Range Project Plans

On the timescale of days, weeks, and even months, it’s difficult for me to assess if I am making progress. Usually at this time of the year, I list what I’ve accomplished over the past year So here’s my opportunity with my archived progress list!

I had listed six lab projects, plus a timeline and a list of human resources. How did I do?

Project I: Part A and Part B. Part A has been done, with one paper published and a second well into the review process. Part B (the important part) has not been done; I’m not sure it can be done; though I’m funded to do it. I lost my grad student working on Project I, so it’s what I will be doing this summer in the lab.

Project II: Student passed his qualifying exam yesterday with preliminary results from this project. It is still not at the level where I want it. I’ll be working with project II student this summer.

Project III: Part A and Part B. This has been a spectacular success, with progress that has matched my dreams that summer in 2006. Only one additional paper; however there are several in preparation, and the project now has parts C, D, E, and F.

Project IV: Student made headway on project IV, and a paper is in review. However, I lost this student also, so this project (not fully funded) needs to wait for another person. It’s cool; it’s just not at the top of my priority list.

Project V: Was not a high priority project two years ago, however Grad student has made great progress. We are writing up two papers, and will propose to continue this work.

Project VI: There has been no progress on this; I heard that a colleague is working on this problem; I no longer consider it a priority for me.

Tenure Dreams

Over the last few weeks, I have been waiting--increasingly anxiously—for news of my tenure decision. Early last week I was told that my case was signed but not yet sealed, and I would know the news on Friday. Friday came slowly and went by even slower, and at the end of the day I still had no news. And then there were the dreams.

Dream one: I came into my office early in the morning to work, my son with me. Spread out on my desk were twelve piles of paper; each pile was topped by summary comments of each of the members of our University-wide tenure committee. Comments were widely variable: “Great Job! Certainly deserves tenure”; “No tenure, because she knows nothing about quantum mechanics” [Not true!! I remember thinking in my dream]; “Too creative”; “Too many things going on at once”; “Too focused on the technical”. And my favorite: written on a flaccid piece of popped blue balloon: “Her research is just not my thing.” Just those summaries; no decision. I woke up very very anxious, and it lasted all day.

Dream two: I discover the reason I did not find out about my tenure case on Friday. Here’s what I piece together, through various surreal sources of information: My department had voted positive, but with some negative votes [this is true in real life], so the tenure committee takes an extra hard look, and decides that my case is not strong enough. Since their conclusion differs from the department’s, they assign a review committee, which determines that I do deserve tenure after all. But then, everyone is concerned that my dossier elicits such inconsistent results. How unscientific! So they decide to continue reviewing and reviewing until they converge on a decision, but the decision never converges, it only oscillates back and forth. That would be bad enough, but in the end my dossier (or, “me”) is blamed for the lack of convergence. I remember yelling in my dream: “It’s the people who are examining the dossier who are the problem, not me!!” I woke up infuriated, and it took a while to get back to sleep.

You might ask, why do I not know the outcome of my own tenure decision?

Perhaps in a future post I will expand on the reasons, but for now, here’s a brief list (with commentary).

1. A female faculty member has never been ushered--successfully--through the ranks in my dept. (Yet.)

2. My dept. does not follow established university guidelines for processing tenure cases. (It will from now on.)

3. I have received consistent low-level hazing from my various people in my dept. (I will do my best not to let this happen to anyone else.)

4. All of that (and some more) is exacerbated by a few of my own persistent insecurities. (Hopefully these will continue to be ironed out as I mature.)

Orthogonal Advice

Today, a venerated colleague stopped me in the hallway, and asked how old I am. Forty-many, I said. You know what I am going to say, he said. Tell me anyway, I said. Have another one--damn the consequences, he said.

Although I consider myself to be an exemplar of stiff-upper-lip* (*people who know me and read this are now laughing their heads off), something about me lately has encouraged friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and even strangers to give me their input. Is my biological clock alarming? Or perhaps it is that look about me that almost says aloud “Please Dear God of Science let me know about my tenure decision soon!” Or maybe I *am* actually saying that out loud. I don’t know anymore.

Since I usually dole the unsolicited advice out to others, today I’ll share the gems I’ve been collecting over the last few weeks.

Mom: “Honey, maybe you need to make a friend. Or two.”
LateToBed (spouse): “You need a hobby. Really.”
BedHater (kid): “Mommmm!! Stop staring at me!!”
Ex-PhD-advisor: “Perhaps you should consider finding a hobby.?”
Colleague in a different department: “Have another one”
Another colleague in another department: “Time to have your second”
Colleague in this department “Time to find a real hobby”

Note that most of the advice comes in two basic flavors: “Get a life” and “Have a baby”. I’m convinced that these two are orthogonal.

Self-Indulgent Birthday Post

0-5... The die is cast
5-15 ... 1/3 music, 1/3 friends, 1/3 science
15-25 ... ½ boy-crazy, ½ science-crazy,
25-30 ... ¾ science, ¼ boy-crazy (husband and precursors)
30-40 ... ½ science 3/8 boy-crazy 1/8 Long Letters to Larry Summers
Next up...?

Powers of Ten

The always impressive ScienceWoman
delivered a pleasant challenge to start the day:

Thinking Ahead:

In 10 minutes: I will be on my way to the gym.

In 10 hours: I will be sprinting across campus (along with many campus parents-like schoolkids trying to get to class before the morning bell) to pick up my son before his cost inflates to $2/minute. Hopefully I’ll have turned around a paper in the meantime.

In 10 days: I will be celebrating a first-of-prime-number-twins birthday. Celebrating hard.

In 10 weeks: I will have submitted a proposal and (if my totally unreasonable to-do list actually gets accomplished) four papers.

In 10 months: I will either have tenure or a whole new lease on life.

In 10 years I hope I will be: either very Big, or very happy Not Being Big.